Cut
by Samandjackforever
Summary: A side of Rodney you’ve never seen is now clear as day as the cuts are red. Read and review please, better then it sounds
1. never ask, never tell

Summary- A side of Rodney you've never seen is now clear as day as the cuts are red.

A/N- McShep slash, McKarter friendship. Dark story. Read and review.

Cut

Chapter 1- Never ask, Never tell

(Rodney's POV)

Cutting. The one thing I had in control of my life. It started when my parents blamed me for their failing marriage. It was purely a curious accident, slip of the blade across my arm.

I was fascinated with the feeling of the warm, sticky blood dripping down my forearm. I felt lucid and free…for the first time in a while I felt…alive. I didn't have the usual numb feeling. From that moment on, I kept doing it.

Keeping the secret was easy, no one ever asked. No one but my little sister, Jeannie. She would try to walk in my room and catch me in the act. She would rush in and point her finger at me telling me that she knew.

She knew but she never told.

As the years went on and my grades continued to go up, I became distant from the people around me. I was terrified at what the outcome would be if they found out.

I used to cut my arms but then I moved it to the more private, not easily seen areas of my legs.

The cuts started out light and not as messy and progressed to deep and bloody gashes. Even as I left home and the arguments, my abusive college life caused me to cut in more violent ways.

I would even go as far as to locking myself in the bathroom and mercilessly cut at my thighs.

And now on Atlantis, I still continue to crave into my skin. I continue to bleed and hurt, but no body knows

Will they ever?

Probably, I'll never let them. Keeping them at arms length, telling childhood stories with meaningless reasons. Even though I know he's trying to get in.

Him.

John Sheppard.

The man of my dreams and prayers. He is everything I'm not. He is my sun in this dark world I roam, but I cannot show him that. I wish I could. My heart screams "tell him!" but my mind and my aching cut up arms shout- "NO!"

For now I'll continue living with my razor blade aid. Never having them ask……and never telling.

TBC

Review if you want an update!


	2. I see

A/N- This Chapter is dedicated to potterfan2006. Hang in there with your friend. Things will be fine.

Cut

Chapter 2- I see

(john's POV)

He thinks I don't know, but I do. I've seen the scars and heard the stories. I know he's hurting and I want to help.

I don't even think he understands how much he means to me. My best friend and secret love. I think he feels the same way, but will never say.

Rodney.

My hurting, bleeding Rodney.

Please let me help you. Let me stop you from this pain.

I seen your pain from the first moment I saw you. Your piercing blue eyes cut into me. I saw the dark blood lust in your soul, the desire for pain.

You think you can hide it but your eyes show all. I can feel your pain and see your sorrow. I long to help you Rodney.

Please see how much I care.

Please see that I love you.

TBC-

Yeah I know it's short, but I'll update if ya review.


	3. breaking through

Cut

Chapter 3-

(Rodney's POV)

He tried it again today. He tried to talk to me about feelings. I turned him down coldly and continued on my way. Then he got Sam on my case…which I did not need.

"Rodney!" She called as she ran to catch up with me. I didn't slow down my walking, I only got faster. Not fast enough.

"Hey," She started breathlessly, "You were walking like you had a fire up your ass. John told me you're been acting off lately….what's wrong?" She asked me.

What's wrong? A simple sentence…with a very complicated answer.

"Nothing..." I mumble as I try to walk on by. I can tell she doesn't believe me. Just by the stare, no words were needed.

"Don't lie." She said. I chuckle inwardly. Two words were the trigger for me to go off, but instead of my rant…I run. Fast and far. I feel like running I'm for my life. The echoes of the people around me sound fuzzy and far away.

I stop at a balcony and look over the railing. So easy to jump and end it. Take the dive…end the pain. I grip at the railing hard, ready and egger to throw myself over. A hand stops me.

A warm, battle broken hand.

The hand of John Sheppard.

My heart skips a painful beat as I look to him. The sun gracing his face with light. His hair slightly mused and his eyes concentrated on me.

I don't know what to do. I can't move. All I can do is stare helplessly into his eyes.

"Rodney…stop" His voice is barely above a whisper. I can feel a warmth coming from just his two words. Two words that show me he cares and that I'm valued.

If only I could get myself to believe it so.

"I can't…" I say to him. He looks away from me for a moment. When his gaze returns to me, his eyes lock with mine.

His hands move to my sleeve and start to tug up.

"Don't." I say but he doesn't listen to me. He lifts my sleeve and I look away. I can't look at my arms, the scars remain, most are new.

"Why do you do this? Why do you feel the need to harm yourself so violently?" He asks me. His voice, like the calls of angels, rips into me. Destroys the wall around my heart. I am unable to speak.

"Why should someone as beautiful have to hurt? Why do the beautiful souls cry and hurt?" He says as he runs his fingers over my scarred arms. I shiver; his words will be the end of me.

"Why do you care?" I say, my voice gritty with held back emotion. I don't think I want to know the answer.

"Because I love you Rodney." He says to me. His voice is low and quiet. We are both quiet for a while; the sound of the ocean waves was the only noise.

"I…I love you to john…but…I just can't right now…maybe once this is all cleared up…but not right now…" I say to him being fully truthful. The silence that followed was painful.

"Ok…I understand that and I can wait for you…but can I help you?" he asks. I look away, "If you can." I say and walk away without looking back.

TBC-

You know the drill


	4. Chapter 4

Cut

Chapter 4- Falling apart fragile soul

(John's POV)

It's late at Atlantis and I am going to see him. I heard from Dr. Zelenka that Rodney left his lab early in a mad huff.

That got me worried.

I knock lightly on his door, no response came from inside. So I knock again, "Rodney…open up." I call as I sigh lightly.

I open the door and walk in to a heart breaking sight…I never thought I'd catch him in the act.

Rodney is sitting on the floor, razor blade in hand and gashes on his wrists and legs.

"Shit…" I mutter as I rush to his side and take the blade from him. His shoulders are shaking due to his silent sobs. I wrap my arms around him.

"You don't have to hurt anymore…you have me…I can make things better…" I say as I let my heart speak freely to him. I only feel his sobs grow.

I put pressure on his bleeding wounds until the blood stopped seeping.

He rests his forehead in the crook of my shoulder and I continue to pat his back lovingly. I feel the tears dry but neither of us move. He has his hands on my shoulders as he lifts his head up.

I stare into the blue eyes of the aching and my heart beats faster.

He stares back into my eyes, I almost forget to breathe.

Then his lips are on mine. Soft and slightly moist but pure heaven.

I kiss him back as my hands snake up his back. One remains resting on his back and one travels higher to caress his baby soft hair.

I feel like I'm in heaven being kissed by an angel.

He pulls back and looks at me. His blue eyes are wide with wonder. Almost as if he did not believe what he did.

I reach out and cup his face lightly, "this is the first step to healing….letting others in." I whisper, not daring to let my voice to get louder.

He stays silent and just pulls me to him.

"I love you Rodney…I know you're not ready for it…but I do love you." I say gently as we hold each other.

"I love you too…" I hear him whisper back.

I smile and kiss his temple lightly as sleep takes us both.

This is a new beginning….for the both of us.

TBC


End file.
